I became a Christian around first grade, but my journey in faith has not been a straight path leading willingly to the Cross. I’ve strayed, wandered, taken a turn or two, forgotten, ignored, disobeyed. From the last year or so of high school, through college, I didn’t intentionally work on my relationship with the Lord. I never forsook Him, but I also never sought Him out. I allowed the Enemy to distract me from having a dynamic relationship with my Savior.
“At some point, I lost my way. I turned left instead of right, and I stood too tall when I should have been bent low. I probably made a hundred tiny, seemingly insignificant decisions that nudged me further from the throne. Isn’t that how it goes? We live overcome with decisions to make, laziness grabs the wheel, fears slams foot to the floor, and without full awareness we’re quickly lost.”-Kris Camealy, “Holey, Wholly, Holy: A Lenten Journey of Refinement”
I’ve been ashamed of how I strayed, of how I willfully ignore the beckoning of God. I’ve been reluctant to admit this season of straying, preferring to pretend all was fine and dandy. But keeping this façade up is exhausting, spiritually exhausting, and frankly I don’t want to do it anymore. I’d rather people see the real me: the sinner saved by the Grace of God, the child whose faith-journey is more crooked than a mountain stream, the woman who seeks to surrender all to the Living God.
Faith can’t be real if I hide behind a façade of “I’ve got it all together”. Because in all honesty, I rarely have it all together. But that’s ok, because if people are honest with themselves, they would probably admit they don’t have it together either. What about you?
God doesn’t expect me to be perfect, praise Him! He loves me unconditionally, despite my imperfections. He loves me even when I’m shoving my fingers in my ears, humming loudly, to avoid hearing what He’s trying to tell me. And when I finally step back and look at myself, the depths of myself that only He and I know, He loves me and gathers me in His arms as I cringe and sob at how incredibly imperfect I am.
Now, rather than hiding behind a smile and appearance of togetherness, I’m sharing the real me. The me who still sometimes makes “tiny, seemingly insignificant decisions” that distract me from my relationship with the Lord. I’m not proud of it, but I’m also not perfect, so it happens. But I pray that the Lord helps me to resist these little missteps, so I can waste less time being lost on my journey of faith.
I’m becoming more intentional in my prayer life through the #PrayerDare challenge, in my scripture reading and memorization through the Romans Project, and in my worship time by intentionally creating a time of “heart worship” each day. As I wrote a few days ago, I’m no longer satisfied with complacency-it’s time I’ve walked my faith-journey intentionally.