Last week, I faltered. I let the busyness come in. I hardly picked up my Bible, journaled, memorized scripture, and was mostly silent in my conversations with God. I am ashamed, and honestly don’t feel good admitting this to the blogosphere.
But….this blog is a means of being accountable in my faith, and I refuse to paint a pretty picture that doesn’t reflect reality. So here’s to honesty.
I am ashamed that I let myself get so distracted. Only a few posts before, I had declared there was no room for complacency…and I became complacent.
I am not perfect. Clearly. But that’s ok, because God still loves me and still wants to have a relationship with me. And He showed me that this is something I need to fight against more actively.
You see, last week I was traveling. I packed my Bible, Roman’s project flipbook, and journal, with the good intention of keeping with my reading, writing, praying, and memorizing, and with continuing to strengthen my relationship with Him. But then my schedule was messed up, and I was distracted by preparing for workshop, visiting friends, talking, enjoying the beauty of Limpopo, and exploring a possible site for my third year of service. I allowed myself to be busy. I kept thinking “Oh I really need to work on my verses today,” or “Man, I haven’t read my Bible for a while.” But I let myself get distracted. And I am mad at myself for doing so, and not prioritizing my relationship with God. And it didn’t feel good.
He revealed to me that this is part of the reason I am staying in South Africa for a third year. I know He wants me to leave Peace Corps with a deeper, stronger, more resilient relationship with Him. And this is one of the problems I’ve struggled with for years. By keeping me away from the distractions of the First World, He allows me to draw closer to Him. But I need to learn to handle the distractions of the First World and still actively pursue Him.
So, for real this time: There is no room for complacency in my relationship with God.
After writing this, I stumbled upon this quote….oh how graceful my God is!
“The God I have come to know loves me as much in a state of disgrace as He loves me in a state of grace, for His compassion is never, never, never based on our performance. It knows no shade of alteration or change….Will you let Him love you as you are, and not as you should be? ‘Cause nobody…is as they should be.” –Brennan Manning, All is Grace
The truth is that God knows we all mess up sometimes, or prioritize other things over Him. But He doesn’t love us any less for it. I’ve stumbled, but that’s a part of life. I pray that He helps me to avoid this in the future. But for now, I am simply the imperfect Christian striving to serve Him as best I can. Even as I’m feeling pretty rotten for how I ignored our relationship for the past week, He reached out to me and showed me His love. Amazing!